UnPredictable

Sometimes

2009-05-21T10:55:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I just need to take the time to shut and just listen

Be quiet and just be

Flow throughout the day

And let the Lord have his way

I gotta stop complaining

Only allow my emotions to explain how I’m feeling

But not allow them to guide me into my future

I have to find new ways to handle things

New ways to react to current circumstances

I need a brand new dosage of endurance

Some of that good ol’ “keeping power”

Gotta continue to tap into Jesus

So he can continue to pour into me

Sometimes I just need to take a step back

And reminisce

Remember when

I was able to walk consistently with my head held high

When no matter how bad things were

I stayed focus on the light

I knew somehow, someway

That my God

My Daddy would eventually save the day

Times when I refused to follow the norm

Didn’t care if I didn’t fit in

Did my own thing

And it was and still is ok

Times when I knew that

All things work together for my good

Times when there was no problem for me to write

Times when I didn’t care what people think

This is my outlet

And its here to stay

Sometimes I gotta rememeber

That I am not that same person I was years ago

Days ago

A minute ago

God is doing new things in me

Changing

In the midst of the pain

Re-arranging

I will never be the same again

Sometimes life doesn’t give you what you expect

You just gotta take life

Grip it with the knowledge of Jesus

Allow him to lead and direct you

For he will not ever steer you in the wrong direction

SIT DOWN

2009-05-20T16:50:00.000-07:00

I’m Tired

Physically drained

Emotionally sick

I am not the same

Im allergic to liars

Cheaters

Misleaders

Those who prophesy than disrespect believers

I’m tired

Fed up

I have had more than enough

I see why sinners want to stay sinners

And why saints tend to stray away

Or better yet run away from the mess

You can’t protest

The phrase “we’re only human” need not apply

That application has already been denied.

The kingdom of God has utterly been defiled

Its disgusting

I understand more and more why the Word of God tells us not to put our trust in man

I’m still attempting to understand

How “saints” will be mishandle, misuse or mislead you

Its been said

You have to watch the direction in which you are led

Sad to say everyone does not have your best interest at heart

Pay attention from the start

Some trials are a requirement for you to get thru your destiny

Other trials can be avoided if you just take heed to what the Lord is saying to you

Ruthless

Some people are just cut throat

Selfishly living

Fleshly forgiving

Going by day by day

Pretending

Lying just to get by

Misleading just to get what they want

Adapting to make themselves look good

Shady

Procrastinating

Years later

And things in your life are still the same
it’s a shame

You have to degrade people to make yourself feel better

When in all actuality all these negatives just make deem you repulsive

In the eyes of the kingdom you’ve been diminished to worthlessness

Of course gifts are given without repentance

But you keep giving you ministry a death sentence

By being the way you are

Its time for a reality check

A salvation check

A saint check?

Will the real saints please

I’m begging you to please stand up or remain standing.

And if you are an “ain’t” please just

SIT DOWN

She's Desperate

2008-04-07T16:29:00.001-07:00

Standing here
Waiting
I have yet to get any rest
My mind is racing
Thoughts are chasing feelings
Are chasing thoughts are chasing…
The truth lies deep within
My spirit-woman
She cries out to be seen
To be heard
Yet the thoughts
The mind games seem to be trying to run things
Got me going in circles
Losing control
Causing me to lose my sanctified grip
Idle hands slipping in places they don’t belong
It’s the same emotional song
Verse after verse
Letting me know that
I’m stuck on things I just can’t change
People will be people
Stuck and not willing to admit it
And my mom is resting well in Heaven
And I’m grateful that she made it
And in order to get to
What God has called me to do
I must go thru
And satan seems to take that as His cue
To attack me
Distract me
Especially when I’m at my worst
Yet somehow
My spirit still thirsts
For only that which Christ can give me
In its entirety
So I’m taking a step back
Releasing the reigns
And praying
Desperately
That my Daddy
That Jesus himself
Take complete and total Control over my life

Venting

2008-03-28T23:31:00.001-07:00

March 28, 2008

FEELING SORRY FOR ME
FOR MYSLEF
AND MY SITUATIONS
ITS LIKE LIFE IS AND ENDLESS CYCLE OF HELL
YEA IN A NUTSHELL
MY WEEK HAS BEEN CRAPPY
FOUND OUT MY COUSIN DIED
WAHY BACK IN JANUARY
AND NO ONE TOOK THE TIME TO FIND US
PISSED!!!!! IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT
LIKE I WENT OUT OF MY WAY TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND YA’LL COULDN’T EVENDRIVE…..7 MINUTES TO TELL US……

VENTING

I’VE BEEN IN PHOENIX FOR 3 MONTHS AND SOME DAYS AND WHAT PROGRESS HAVE I MADE?
MY MINDSET IS DIFFERENT…
THEY TELL ME I DON’T KNOW HOW ANOINTED I AM
AND I’M MARKED WITHOUT A CHOICE
AND I KEEP HEARING THE WORD, LOVING THE WORD
U*N*S*T*O*P*P*A*B*L*E
YEA THAT’S ME
AS HARD AS I’M TRYING TO
I CAN’T EVEN STOP MYSELF

SO I HAVE MY OWN PLACE ONCAMPUS RIGHT?
CUTE LITTLE PLACE.
A SPACE THAT I HAVE FINALLY BEEN ABLE TO CALL MY OWN
AND I DON’T HAVE ANY FURNITURE
BEEN SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR
UNTIL RECENTLY SOMEONE FELT SORRY FOR ME NAD LET ME BORROW THEIR AIR MATTRESS
SO NO.
NO ONE KNOWS HOW BAD IT IS FOR ME RIGHT NOW
I KEEP MY BUSINESS TO MYSELF
CAN’T WORK ENOUGH HOURS TO KEEP FOOD IN THE FRIDGE
I NEED SHOES
EMBARRASED!!! THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT TOO
I WANNA BE ABLE TO DO FOR MYSELF
A FEW PEOPLE ARE OFFERING AND INSTEAD OFME SEEING IT AS BLESSINGS I FEEL THEY ARE JUST HANDOUTS

DID I MENTION I MISS MY MOM AND IF SHE WAS STILL ALIVE I WOULD NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM
AND I AM SO NOT LIKING THIS THINGY I’M DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW
SO I STAY TO MYSELF
BE BY MYSELF
CAUSE I DON’T NEED ANYONE TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT DO IN A JUDGEMENTAL WAY

THIS COMPLETELY STINKS
I USED TO THINK MY TRIALS WERE ONLY TEMPORARY
NOW THAT I SEEM TO BE BACK IN THE SAME MESS I BEG TO DIFFER

THIS BLASTED HABIT
CREEPS BACK UP ONME
AND I IN MY EXTREMEM WEAKNESS GIVE IN TO IT
LOSING CONTROL
LOST CONTROL

I HAVE NO WHERE TO RUN TO NOW
O FAR TO GO BACK “HOME”
YET I HAVE NO HOME TO RETURN TO
STUCK OUT HERE
LONELY AND DEPRESSED
BY MYSELF
CANT HELP BUT CRY AND BE PISSED
MAD BEYOND EXPLANATION
SCARED
WILL IT ALWAYS BE THIS WAY?
DOWN HERE FOR CHANGE AND MY CIRCUMSTANCES ARE STILL THE SAME
WHAT GIVES?

ON THE VERGE OF REGRETTING MOVING OUT HERE
IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE

AND I PROBABLY WONT EVER UNDERSTAND IT

SO I GIVE UP
I WON’T TRY TO UNDERSTAND OR FIGURE ANYTHING OUT ANYMORE
I AM TIRED
AND RIGHT NOW I REALLY JUST DON’T CARE

THIS IS HARD FOR ME
I JUST WALKED INTO MY PROMISE LAND.
BUT WHAT KIND OF PROMISE LAND IS THIS
THAT I CONTINUE TO STRUGGLE HERE
THE SAME AS I DID IN NEW YORK
WHAT GIVES

VENTING

SO I’M NOT HAPPY WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW
SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE
FEELING SORRY
REGRETTING
VENTING

Current Reflections

2008-03-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

The Lord works in mysterious ways
Been in AZ going on 65 days
And its like this transition
From old to new
Is trying to turn my emotions blue
And I refuse to hold on to
The negativity that used to bring me down
Letting go of that and staying clear of the new negativity
That seems to be attempting to hinder me
Yet I’ve just been reminded that
Mathematically speaking
Negative plus negative
Most certainly equals positive
See
I know God is taking me someone
Have great things for me to do
Either way
I don't have much of a choice
Called
Chosen
Marked
I'm stuck in this thing
And the only way out is to do what God says

So
I continuously say YES to my Daddy
Striving to do what it is He has called me to do
I have a Me mindset
Focusing on Jesus and the goals He has for me
May seem selfish
And that’s fine with me

Yet I know where God is taking me
He’s breaking me to make me
Testing and trying me
To make me stronger
I am no longer who I was before
God has allowed me to walk into new areas in Him
And I am grateful that He continues to keep me
Even when I wanna slip up
And lose my cool
Wanna tell someone off for something that was said or did
I just began to wave my hands
And start screaming Depleted
Things of menial significance have no means of helping me advance the kingdom
So I ignore them and move on
Causing the tabs of those around me to be increased substantially
Making me richer by the minute
Trying not to get sick from the stench of the haters around the world
Things seemed to be spinning out of control
I thought I was not going to make it
BUT GOD
Made a way for me
Advancing me in my destiny
Giving me a new outlook on my life
Turning situations completely around

So yea my God works in mysterious ways
And I am reminded that all things work together for my good
And the end of a thing is greater than the beginning

Just in case you forgot I am still
UNSTOPPABBLE
And I will not stop until Jesus says my work is done

2008

2008-02-07T15:01:00.000-08:00

The year is 2008 and I am still standind. Didn't believe I was going to make it but I did. My home literally got taken from me and I just sat there and allowed it to happen. I stopped speaking up for me. Letting alot of little things slide. I guess deep down inside I wouldn't be around much longer. I am musch stronger than I was. More confident in who I am in Christ. Listening and enjoying the voice of God. I am in my new home and i have never been more at peace in my life. I have new friends, a new family. And God is about to bless me tremendously. So I am thankful for my past. If it wasn't for my past I would not be who I am today.

It's been a while since I blogged every day. So my goal right now is to get back into it. I have alot of feelings built up in me that need to come out. I do belive there is deliverance in transparancy.

Its the beginning of all new beginnings and I am excited to see all that God has in store for me.